"What Are We Doing?": A Brief Lesson on Love as Told by a Reject

Truthfully, she was the most beautiful woman I had ever known.
And the best part? She wanted to see me.

And so she calls on the telephone. I pick up.

Her: "Hey. So are we still on for today?"
Me: "Of course."
Her: "Well what do you want to do?"
Me: "I don't know. Doesn't matter really. I just want to see you. Is that fine?"
Her: "Yeah, but what are we doing?"
Me: "Ski ball. A restaurant. Ikea. A bookstore. Lay on the couch and talk. Anything, really."
Her: "Yeah, but what are we doing?"
Me: ". . . . . . We'll figure it out when I get there."
Her: "Hmm. Maybe we should do this some other time when you have something planned."

Now, of course, there are two ways to see this. If you side with her, you can say that I'm indecisive.

But if you're anything like me, I realized then and there that not even a cute smile, beautiful green eyes, and perky breasts can save someone who doesn't understand: "It doesn't matter where you go, it's who you're with."

I may get lonely and depressed all the time, but even I know better.

Why can't people just enjoy other people's company?

No, no. I'm Aware Most Men Don't Think Like This. (Or Maybe They Do.)

What I'm about to write about can be taken two different ways. The first of which is that most men do not think like this. This is not because it is particularly "masculine" to think this way, but because most men will take anything that is thrown at them, especially when it is something socially deemed as "positive." [I would imagine both genders do.] The second way that this can be taken is that it's "okay" for men to think the opposite of this, as after all, if you consider the images that are thrown at us in advertising, how could you not think the "appropriate" way?

It's getting convoluted pretty fast, so let's get down to it. Here's the big confession on a weird way that I think: generally speaking, I get insulted whenever I get complimented on my looks.

Here's a potential counter argument to this: "Gee, Kevin. Have you looked in the mirror? You're one ugly motherfucker. If someone finds you attractive, you should take it as a compliment, you ungrateful, tubby piece o' shit."

And yes, I've been called "ugly" more in my life than I have been called "cute" or "hot." And yes, you're right: if someone finds me attractive, I should be grateful as it happens once in every blue moon.

However, here's the bottom line about this: I had nothing to do with my looks. At the end of the day, for the most part, no one is. I mean, you can dress up a potato all you want, but at the end of the day, it's still a potato. . . except now it awkwardly has lipstick, a wig, and poorly drawn eyes. Do you see where I'm going with this?

If you truly wanted to say, "Hey Kevin, you look great," please do me one huge favor: go up to my parents, and tell them: "Ya done good." You can even point to their genitalia and flash a "thumbs up" if you really want to get the point across.

This shallow world we live in is particularly frustrating as a thinker and as an artist. It rarely happens, but on occasion, I'll meet girls who spend multiple encounters complimenting my looks who will tell me: "I really get you. I like how much of a 'nonconformist' you are." [Not that I've EVER claimed to be against the grain, nor do I ever approve of the pretentiousness of ever 'getting' someone, but I digress.] However, when it comes down to getting dirty and nasty [and, no, I'm not talking about sex here] and talking about what they thought about something I've wasted hours and hours slaving on, they have nothing to say. They give me the look of a lost student who has obviously not done their homework, and I'm really unsure what is it that they "get." Very often, it seems like people like the idea of knowing an artist, instead of knowing the art.

I know this sounds like a bit of an ego-trip, but they really didn't bother to know me. And sure, you can argue: "well, can't you just like the person, and not the art?" I honestly don't think so. I can't speak for all creative people out there, but there's a personal aspect to their craft that just can't be separated. People who know the real me generally have a pretty strong grasp of what my songs or my writings are about. I suppose "liking" my art is irrelevant, but people who bothered to know me can actually make connections, and at the end of the day, that's what's truly important.

This can be applied to anything, but I feel it has been embedded in other finger-wagging, cliched sermons: discussions about how you should not judge a book by it's cover. However, even these are riddled with tired and overused sentiments that people are forgetting the big picture. I know this may seem a bit ironic, but I know I am tired of unattractive people whining because nobody gets them. The cliche goes that inside every ugly duckling, there is a beautiful swan, but I'm slowly learning that this usually not the case; sometimes inside of a shitty looking person IS a shitty person.

So the point of this is simple: don't be shallow. There are multiple ways to be shallow. You can think someone is "good looking," but don't bother claiming you "know" them or think this is all that should matter, because it matters jack shit to me. You can also believe that inside every ugly duckling there is good, but aren't you just really buying into an age old cliche? Why not just assume every jock is an asshole and ever nerd is a saint while you're at it?

At the end of the day, get to know someone. Give a fuck.

Not Much of Anything At All. Shove a Crayon Up Your Nose.

1. I somehow stumbled upon a quote from Gundam creator, Yoshiyuki Tomino [a.k.a. "Kill 'Em All Tomino"] where he stated in 2009 that videogames are "evil," do not promote any sort of productivity, and that a lot of electricity will be drained if we all jump on board and started playing. Of course, what do you say to that? Tomino's franchise Gundam spawned countless videogames, including the recently released Dynasty Warriors: Gundam 3. The Gundam series itself glorifies technology. I don't want to dismiss Tomino's argument here as just "pretentious director drivel," and as a guy who grew up playing videogames, I want to reassess things: did my gaming amount to pro-social behavior? I guess I can't really judge that for myself. I do much prefer playing videogames with people, in-person, and at an audible level where I can talk to them: otherwise, it feels like either masturbation or going to strip clubs.

While I do think it's kind of a messed-up sentiment, I do think Hideki Anno's point that the otaku lifestyle is kind of like "forced autism" is poignant.

2. Sometimes, you got to wonder if some people only have one setting: "ridicule mode." It's a sensibility of "fuck kindness, I wanna be funny." Everyone wants to be "Howard Stern," and I'm too crudmudgeony now to enjoy that 24/7. I suppose life without irony and sarcasm would be boring, but life with too much of it: well, that's where we're at sometimes. I've come to accept that some people are just going to insult you nonstop in conversation, but when it gets to that point: is that really someone you want to have around?

3. Having lived through the 90's with its extreme glamoration of sex, sarcasm, being "dark" and violence, nowadays, if you really want to have "shock value" and surprise me. . . be a sincere person. Do the right thing in moments when it matters, especially when it sucks. Go out of your way for people. Admit your fuck ups, and blame yourself. Don't get lazy, and this could mean whatever you want it to mean, but whatever you do, give a shit.

4. At the end of the day, for any revolution, all you need is for someone to say "yes." Whatever your "revolution" is, well, that's entirely up to you. As long as you've got people dumb enough or simpatico with your ideals, you pretty much can accomplish anything.

5. You can pretty much warp around anything ever said, and with everyone having their own unique persepctive, words like "good" and "evil" are just obscurred. It really is "shades of grey." Of course, I can't stop people from thinking about "evil" all the time; that it wears a top hat, wears a cape, and has a curly moustache.

6. I honestly don't want it ever to get to a point with people that if I wanted to see someone, I'd just turn on my computer and log on facebook.

7. Very few people are what they say they are. Everyone thinks they're different. Everyone thinks they're right. Everyone thinks they're funny. Everyone thinks they're wacky. Everyone thinks they're crazy. Everybody's hungry. Everybody poops. And it's all glamour. It's all a fashion statement. Because the truly out-there people I've met in my life are well aware that it's a blessing and a curse. And people buy into things; watch a movie and get a sense of entitlement because they were fed over and over they're "special." They want the lifestyle of the "other"; being against the mold makes you "special." And truly, everyone's special in their own way, and for that, no one is special. People may say I value things that don't perfectly fit a mold, but at the end of the day, I want to be a part of the human race. . . which is a neverending quest that is both joyous and depressing.

At the end of the day, if you are so concerned about being counterculture and snob everyone else that isn't, you really aren't changing the status quo of the culture that shunned you. To truly break the status quo, accept people.

8. I could never be vegetarian, but if I did, I'd imagine it'd be over my mom's fried vegetable lumpia. But y'know, if I were to go vegetarian, it'd make quite the fashion statement. . . kind like owning a blog. So much you can assume about vegetarians and bloggers when perhaps the only truth is that we'll never know anything about anyone at all. I firmly believe that nobody ever truly understands each other; not even husbands and wives. And this is fine. To truly trust, and to give in to uncertainty and the unknown; well I truly believe that is love.